You Might Also Like
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips