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You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*