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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
aesthetic
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.