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*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If you had more money you’d be happier.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I bet birds love this building.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”