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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
fr
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.