My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
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I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Easy enough.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Challenge accepted.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY