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Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.


Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?

-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest

She’s. A. Dude.


MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger


*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*



Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard


Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.


Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together


It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.


Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.


this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies