Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?
-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest
She’s. A. Dude.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies