A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
This could be us but you eatin’
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
wow
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.