boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
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There’s no “us” in nachos.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
it be like that
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
how was your vacation
Had to try this trend 😊
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Just a reminder, folks:
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.