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@JakeDuarte43

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

@Thedudish

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

@marthasa1

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

@Nickadoo

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

@gHOEstgurl

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

@Sarcasticsapien

If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.

@poutinesmoothie

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

@sarousti

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

@animaldrumss

No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.