Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!