ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
You Might Also Like
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
TEETH IS INNOCENT
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow