My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*