I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.