Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
You Might Also Like
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I unironically love this joke.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I saw nothing
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.