[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The Struggle
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
need him
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.