*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
They’re stuck in your pants?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.