Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
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vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”