[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
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Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Cashiers are always checking me out
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.