@TheAlexNevil

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

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@Th3BadGuy__

I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

@Soberphobiccc

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@lecalabara

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

@Smug_Lemur

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

@LeslieInMpls

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

@mattZillaaaa

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

@vexroid

I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.

It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.

@dreamthievin

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

@ambernoelle

So once we finally beat Covid the last scene in the movie is gonna be a melting iceberg waiting, waiting, and then OPENING ITS EYES