11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

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I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.


Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.


*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good


Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman


Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.


I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.

It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.


You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*


So once we finally beat Covid the last scene in the movie is gonna be a melting iceberg waiting, waiting, and then OPENING ITS EYES