I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
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Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.
It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
So once we finally beat Covid the last scene in the movie is gonna be a melting iceberg waiting, waiting, and then OPENING ITS EYES