Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1582907918990671872/pu/vid/576x1024/B-lXGqSOkjpQoRAW.mp4?tag=12

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?