@sugarwits
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
@Eithercryingor
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
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@sugarwits
@MarfSalvador
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
@meganamram
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
@TheAlexNevil
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
@PhilJamesson
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
@donni
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
@steeve_again
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
@better_off_dad2
‘Dude – just get a watch.’
~My FitBit
@whatmaddness
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
@grumpy_pizza
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: