11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I already tried new things thanks.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.