11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

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Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates


Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS


Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.


Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?


Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong


*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you


If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.