11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

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I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.


Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”


when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish


boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”


Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.


If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman


If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”


*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird