11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
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People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you