@mommajessiec

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

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@sixfootcandy

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

@senorwinces

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

@Skoog

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

@VanGobot

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

@OllyiConic

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

@kumailn

Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.

@TheHistoryBook

“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario