Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
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you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
HITMAN: an accident
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
HITMAN: that was a joke
Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.
“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario