11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Where is your GOD now????