@MamaFizzles

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

You Might Also Like

@lilghosthands

every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz baby

@P1ssed_K1d

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

@SondraDeeMe

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

@AaronFullerton

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

@Kauaibride

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

@MavenofHonor

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

@adam_bloomquist

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

@thenatewolf

Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.

@_davidlucas_

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.