11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

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every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz baby


What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.


[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.


To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.


he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????


Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.


Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango


If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.


Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.


My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.