11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.


The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.


I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.


Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’


sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation


Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.


A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?


If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.



the abominable snowman


the loch ness monster

a unicorn


restful sleep


a super walmart




a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus