11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
What the hell is going on?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?