@AndyAsAdjective

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

You Might Also Like

@WildeThingy

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

@shanethevein

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

@Th3BadGuy__

I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

@thatdutchperson

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

@pakalupapito

sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation

@stevezorz

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

@cravin4

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

@ashmensch

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

@AssOnHat

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}