Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[12 doctors in a meeting] alright. which one of you idiots leaked the 1 weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you. IDIOTS!
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Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*
Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: How do I do that?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.