exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism