@krustythe_klown

[12 doctors in a meeting] alright. which one of you idiots leaked the 1 weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you. IDIOTS!

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@PatsHoppedUp

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

@causticbob

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

@MaraWilson

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

@aissalanis

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

@Ahm76

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

@TheIntComShow

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

@FlashShumway

Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
No?
*tosses another nun off the overpass*

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: Ok
Me:.
5yo:.
Me:.
5yo: How do I do that?

@ericsshadow

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.