Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: Changing people’s names at will
Professor Greg: This is useless
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
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You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Normalize calling your neighbor by his dog’s name for two whole years because you misunderstood when he introduced himself to you.
COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.