@LoveNLunchmeat

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

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@Home_Halfway

Professor X: Whatโ€™s your superpower?

Me: Changing people’s names at will

Professor Greg: This is useless

@katiefzack

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

@shutupmikeginn

Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it

@e4moji

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

@WheelTod

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

@MickeyFisher73

Normalize calling your neighbor by his dog’s name for two whole years because you misunderstood when he introduced himself to you.

@Home_Halfway

COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that

@climaxximus

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.