[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
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Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I think this cat is broken
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?