Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Sorry. Not sorry
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.