@racquetball38

12. I think about this all the damn time

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@E_lok44

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

@Anna_Ficco1

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five to six times, just to be sure.

@954LeenO

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

@Donna_McCoy

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

@trojansauce

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

@KentWGraham

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

@Try2StopME

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

@J_Mainwaring69

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”