12. I think about this all the damn time
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To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
When you’ve simply given up.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes