12. I think about this all the damn time

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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.


I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five to six times, just to be sure.


I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times


*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die


got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball


Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.


Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”


Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.


*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”