*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model