12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.