12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
the #horror is real!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?