12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Why soy sad?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.