12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
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My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Simple
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
We’ve come full circle
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s