12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”