12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
You Might Also Like
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom