Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
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Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
secret recipe
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
me opening up to someone
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.