12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Monday Lisa
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”