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@thestlouisan

– Password must be stronger –

ME: mybodyodorafterexercisingjkidontexercise

@SteveSuckington

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

@thenatewolf

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.

@Kids_kubed

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

@BoomBoomBetty

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

@JasonBanksComic

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

@KevinFarzad

A great way to de-stress is to get in a car & drive til ur in a new town & ur name is Geoff. Doesnt matter if ur a boy or girl, ur Geoff now

@pickupIines

do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam

@perolikewyd

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”