I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
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*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?