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@murrman5

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

@Mom_Overboard

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

@CornOnTheGoblin

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

@_Bankrobber_

It’s cool that shopping centres have a Reservoir Dogs tribute room now.

@Staggfilms

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

@Smuirf

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.

@WineMummy

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.