we lost our power
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
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Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
It’s cool that shopping centres have a Reservoir Dogs tribute room now.
You should never laminate your kill list.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Every work meeting this week