When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
drew a comic about my origin story
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.