I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
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FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶