Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
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Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
so much to do
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.