The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.