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“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.