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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast