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Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue