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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.