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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
new career option?
