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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.