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Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I drew y’all a little something.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!