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Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today